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NatalieLIVES

Oh! My little mockingbird sing!
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Hey,

So I think I will be deleting this account relatively soon. All this crazy old stuff that's up on here in no way represents the person that I've become in the last few years and to be honest I find it very embarrassing. There's also stuff about my father on here that I really should not have posted publicly for privacy reasons, but I was thirteen and stupid when I posted it.

If any of you saw the last journal I posted on here, you know that I've been in Germany since August. I can now say confidently that I speak German and I feel like I know a lot more about the world that I live in. I've also formally begun Russian and my eyes are set on a career of political diplomacy in the Caucuses/Eastern Europe. I'm really proud of all the personal progress I have made in this time.

The fact is, the time in which this account was active was actually the worst time of my entire life. I hated myself and was dealing with mental illness, I couldn't relate to the people around me, and my academics were looking pretty shitty. My parents are actually really proud of me nowadays and I do really well for myself. Through lots of therapy and taking control of my physical health, I was able to make myself into a better person and fight for the life that I wanted. My therapist told me that I didn't need her anymore about two years ago and things have only gotten better since. I see a future and I know what my place here on Earth is. It doesn't have much to do with the depressed thirteen-year-old that I once was, but I still have the same dreams, the difference is that I'm actually within reach now.

If you want to contact me, skype is the same as ever. I also have Facebook, tumblr, facetime, snapchat, goodreads, and a ton of other shit. If this account no longer exists in a week, you know why, if it does, it's because i forgot to delete it.

See you all on the flip side..
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Update

2 min read
I'm sure you are all aware that I do not use DA anymore. If you want to contact me you can add me on skype (natalieceleste12).

I am very very happy to say that I am going to be spending my junior year of high school in Germany. I'm on scholarship from the German Bundestag and United States State Department and I'll be attending a month-long language intervention camp before I move in with a host family. It will be hard, but I'm just so unbelievably happy because I've essentially had my future handed to me. This is the second time in two years that I get to participate in student diplomacy!!! It's strange to think that by this time next year I will be bilingual (all of you are probably laughing at me, but that's a big deal as an American).

I just wanted to update anyone who is still around here on my life. Again, if you want to contact me, add me on skype. I have a fairly active tumblr (music, art, nature-ey type stuff) and if you want to ask me for my URL over skype that's fine.
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So what I'm working on right now is really just responding better to things and trying to speak less/let the things that come out of my mouth be good things. It's really really hard. A lot of times my immediate reaction to things is anger, and it's not always justified. Sometimes it doesn't even make sense. It's different anger though, like I don't feel like I'm a cat and everyone else is a yarn ball anymore. It's more constructive than just being vindictive and manipulative as i was when my brain was cold soup. I find i get angry because of passion, and passion is really a driving force for most of my decisions.

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Helloo

4 min read
It has really become apparent to me that I am not the same person that I was when i joined this website. I don't think any of you are still the same people you were when i first met you either. I know that i have made so many changes for the better and become a far better person than i was. At sixteen I know that I'm more interesting, more insightful, more intelligent, and kinder than I was at thirteen. Not everything is perfect of course, but what matters is the growth. I am no longer holding myself back from my goals. I guess I'll just fill you guys in on my goings on now??

My grades are really awesome. I'm putting in a lot of effort and I am really proud of myself. I turn in all my assignments and I've actually been using my study hall time really well. I've kept the promise I made to my AP Bio teacher last year about not being absent often. I'm glad that I held true to that part of our deal, but I wish I didn't have to take Honors Chem to be in AP Bio because i llloveeee AP Bio but HC is really convoluted and it clutters my world. I don't enjoy it much, but I'm sure I'll pass. Geometry is way easy so I haven't had any problems there.

I love my literature class. The teacher is a very strange woman but she runs an extremely structured, well organized class and i actually really like writing papers for her because I know that if i write my best she will validate me and I will learn a lot from it. I have gotten As on all of the papers i have done for her. She says i write with a lyrical tone and have a very definite voice and style. We had do one page papers and read them to the class last week, and every though i was stuttering and kept saying Benjamin Flanklin instead of Franklin, hearing all the papers really allowed me to put into perspective the advantage i have just by being able to format my arguments correctly. I got full points too.

Our black lab that we've had since I was in preschool died last month. Her heart just started to give out and she couldn't even hold up her head. It was sad, but thirteen years is a long time for a big dog, and she made our lives better by being a part of our family. My mom is pretty torn up about it still, but it will just take time.

I am an only child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My brother lives across town in the University dorms now. It's weird to have my parents have such a microscope on me, but it's not bad. We're a pretty good family I think.

I got my driver's license on Friday! I went to Barnes and Noble by myself and finally bought my own copy of Anna Karenina (Have i talked about how much i love Leo Tolstoy on here at all?) I also drove to Mags' house and spent the night. I went to her older sister's 21st birthday lunch, which may sound awkward, but I'm like the fifth child in their family so i assure you it was fun.

KEY CLUB IS MY FAVORITE THING! Back in middle school i thought volunteering sounded boring and dumb, but it has literally made my life so much more fun, and being a Club Officer makes it all so great. It's like my favorite part of school, and I don't even know what I would do without it.

I have officially decided that making music is more important to me personally than making artwork, don't get me wrong I'm a flickr addict, but there is really something about playing music in a talented group of musicians that makes me feel fulfilled.making art is something i enjoy more as a solitary pursuit anyways. 

Speaking of music, i am still quite obsessed with Arcade Fire. I have become entranced with Owen Pallett though. I'm also into Destroyer, Bjork, Perfume Genius, and Fleetwood Mac right now. 

My lungs are still betraying me, but I'm happy. I am so happy with myself and where my life is headed.
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I've been happier this summer than I have been for the past four years. I'm not sleeping for fourteen hours a day anymore (9 AM is such a wonderful time of day!) and I'm finding it commonplace for me to find joy in small things (like these chili pepper shaped rainbow twinkle lights at a restaurant I went to with Hanna). I've made new friends, and more importantly i finally understand what I really want out of friendship and what my social limitations are. Mags and I continue to be like two peas in a pod (I know she reads all of these so I'm just going to put it out there that she changed her hair from purple to dark blue and it looks amazing).

The therapist my parents started sending me to when i was at my lowest gave me a clean bill of mental health a few months ago. We used to talk about my self confidence and she would help me navigate difficult decisions and such, but now all we really talk about is my family. I used to cry a lot in those meetings, but now we do fun things like walk her dog, brush her cats, and refill her bird feeders. She told me that she's enjoyed watching me regain my motivation. I honestly can't even remember what I felt like when I wanted to kill myself.

My family on both sides is still in a strange sort of turmoil, but I've almost gotten used to it. It occurred to me the other day that all the problems with my parents' families are like the one thing I don't talk about with friends, but that's probably why I talk about it with my therapist. My relationship with my dad's mother and siblings has gotten a lot better though. My grandma is taking me to see Peter Pan at a dinner theater later this week.

I think joining Key Club was the best decision I made all of Freshman year. I'm the secretary of our school Key Club now, and I'm thinking of running for District Office in the spring pending on a study abroad scholarship our school counselor really wants me to apply for. I'm pretty confident about my ability to get really good grades this year (I had good grades last year, but they weren't really really good), and I think I'll be able to make it into NHS, which puts me perfectly on track with my eight year plan. 

I'm getting back into my art, and I've been painting some. I think what I really like to paint is just geometric color blocking. It is really really pleasing to me for some reason. It's my favorite type of art. I still take pictures too, but they're just of silly things like Mags' back yard and fish tanks. I do take selfies sometimes, which is really new to me because I'm no longer fearful of taking pictures of myself (probably something to do with the self confidence thing).

I'm happy, and I'm really impressed with myself because of it. I'm going to keep my account up on request BTW.
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