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About Deviant Premium Member Natalie (Its in the user name)Female/United States Groups :iconwar-on-homophobes: War-On-Homophobes
is gonna kill hate with love
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So what I'm working on right now is really just responding better to things and trying to speak less/let the things that come out of my mouth be good things. It's really really hard. A lot of times my immediate reaction to things is anger, and it's not always justified. Sometimes it doesn't even make sense. It's different anger though, like I don't feel like I'm a cat and everyone else is a yarn ball anymore. It's more constructive than just being vindictive and manipulative as i was when my brain was cold soup. I find i get angry because of passion, and passion is really a driving force for most of my decisions.

It has really become apparent to me that I am not the same person that I was when i joined this website. I don't think any of you are still the same people you were when i first met you either. I know that i have made so many changes for the better and become a far better person than i was. At sixteen I know that I'm more interesting, more insightful, more intelligent, and kinder than I was at thirteen. Not everything is perfect of course, but what matters is the growth. I am no longer holding myself back from my goals. I guess I'll just fill you guys in on my goings on now??

My grades are really awesome. I'm putting in a lot of effort and I am really proud of myself. I turn in all my assignments and I've actually been using my study hall time really well. I've kept the promise I made to my AP Bio teacher last year about not being absent often. I'm glad that I held true to that part of our deal, but I wish I didn't have to take Honors Chem to be in AP Bio because i llloveeee AP Bio but HC is really convoluted and it clutters my world. I don't enjoy it much, but I'm sure I'll pass. Geometry is way easy so I haven't had any problems there.

I love my literature class. The teacher is a very strange woman but she runs an extremely structured, well organized class and i actually really like writing papers for her because I know that if i write my best she will validate me and I will learn a lot from it. I have gotten As on all of the papers i have done for her. She says i write with a lyrical tone and have a very definite voice and style. We had do one page papers and read them to the class last week, and every though i was stuttering and kept saying Benjamin Flanklin instead of Franklin, hearing all the papers really allowed me to put into perspective the advantage i have just by being able to format my arguments correctly. I got full points too.

Our black lab that we've had since I was in preschool died last month. Her heart just started to give out and she couldn't even hold up her head. It was sad, but thirteen years is a long time for a big dog, and she made our lives better by being a part of our family. My mom is pretty torn up about it still, but it will just take time.

I am an only child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My brother lives across town in the University dorms now. It's weird to have my parents have such a microscope on me, but it's not bad. We're a pretty good family I think.

I got my driver's license on Friday! I went to Barnes and Noble by myself and finally bought my own copy of Anna Karenina (Have i talked about how much i love Leo Tolstoy on here at all?) I also drove to Mags' house and spent the night. I went to her older sister's 21st birthday lunch, which may sound awkward, but I'm like the fifth child in their family so i assure you it was fun.

KEY CLUB IS MY FAVORITE THING! Back in middle school i thought volunteering sounded boring and dumb, but it has literally made my life so much more fun, and being a Club Officer makes it all so great. It's like my favorite part of school, and I don't even know what I would do without it.

I have officially decided that making music is more important to me personally than making artwork, don't get me wrong I'm a flickr addict, but there is really something about playing music in a talented group of musicians that makes me feel fulfilled.making art is something i enjoy more as a solitary pursuit anyways. 

Speaking of music, i am still quite obsessed with Arcade Fire. I have become entranced with Owen Pallett though. I'm also into Destroyer, Bjork, Perfume Genius, and Fleetwood Mac right now. 

My lungs are still betraying me, but I'm happy. I am so happy with myself and where my life is headed.
I've been happier this summer than I have been for the past four years. I'm not sleeping for fourteen hours a day anymore (9 AM is such a wonderful time of day!) and I'm finding it commonplace for me to find joy in small things (like these chili pepper shaped rainbow twinkle lights at a restaurant I went to with Hanna). I've made new friends, and more importantly i finally understand what I really want out of friendship and what my social limitations are. Mags and I continue to be like two peas in a pod (I know she reads all of these so I'm just going to put it out there that she changed her hair from purple to dark blue and it looks amazing).

The therapist my parents started sending me to when i was at my lowest gave me a clean bill of mental health a few months ago. We used to talk about my self confidence and she would help me navigate difficult decisions and such, but now all we really talk about is my family. I used to cry a lot in those meetings, but now we do fun things like walk her dog, brush her cats, and refill her bird feeders. She told me that she's enjoyed watching me regain my motivation. I honestly can't even remember what I felt like when I wanted to kill myself.

My family on both sides is still in a strange sort of turmoil, but I've almost gotten used to it. It occurred to me the other day that all the problems with my parents' families are like the one thing I don't talk about with friends, but that's probably why I talk about it with my therapist. My relationship with my dad's mother and siblings has gotten a lot better though. My grandma is taking me to see Peter Pan at a dinner theater later this week.

I think joining Key Club was the best decision I made all of Freshman year. I'm the secretary of our school Key Club now, and I'm thinking of running for District Office in the spring pending on a study abroad scholarship our school counselor really wants me to apply for. I'm pretty confident about my ability to get really good grades this year (I had good grades last year, but they weren't really really good), and I think I'll be able to make it into NHS, which puts me perfectly on track with my eight year plan. 

I'm getting back into my art, and I've been painting some. I think what I really like to paint is just geometric color blocking. It is really really pleasing to me for some reason. It's my favorite type of art. I still take pictures too, but they're just of silly things like Mags' back yard and fish tanks. I do take selfies sometimes, which is really new to me because I'm no longer fearful of taking pictures of myself (probably something to do with the self confidence thing).

I'm happy, and I'm really impressed with myself because of it. I'm going to keep my account up on request BTW.

So what I'm working on right now is really just responding better to things and trying to speak less/let the things that come out of my mouth be good things. It's really really hard. A lot of times my immediate reaction to things is anger, and it's not always justified. Sometimes it doesn't even make sense. It's different anger though, like I don't feel like I'm a cat and everyone else is a yarn ball anymore. It's more constructive than just being vindictive and manipulative as i was when my brain was cold soup. I find i get angry because of passion, and passion is really a driving force for most of my decisions.

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NatalieLIVES
Natalie (Its in the user name)
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"I spent so long feeling guilty, feeling ashamed of my sadness, and you know what? It just made me sadder. You are allowed to be sad, you are allowed to be angry, you're allowed to be depressed. We all deserve to feel our own sadness in our own time.
Something you will have heard before - you deserve to be happy. That, of course, is not always easy to hear, especially in the depths of depression - so let me add something. You deserve to be happy - but you don't have to be happy right now or all the time.
It is okay to be sad, it's okay to not be ready to be happy yet. One day you will be ready to recover - that day doesn't have to be today or even tomorrow, as long as you know and trust me that it will come.
It's okay not to be okay."

"Wouldn't it be sad if a child's pool were enough to imprison you?"

“Everyone makes mistakes. The wise are not people who never make mistakes, but those who forgive themselves and learn from their mistakes.”

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:iconreverseimaku:
ReverseImaku Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2014  Student General Artist
holy beezus happy birthday!
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:iconcatzrcute:
catzrcute Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Happy Birthday!
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:iconagirlwhopassesasaboy:
AGirlWhoPassesAsABoy Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2013
in case im not around in a week, happy birthday natalie <3 miss talking to ya
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:iconreverseimaku:
ReverseImaku Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2013  Student General Artist
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAQAAAAAQAQAAAAAAAAAT
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:iconleiandlove:
LeiAndLove Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Student Filmographer
Thankee for the fav! :glomp:
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:iconteapartyatthemalfoys:
TeaPartyAtTheMalfoys Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2013  Student General Artist
thanks for the fave!
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:iconladytinuz:
LadyTinuz Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks a lot for the +watch!
I really appreciate it. :)
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:iconreverseimaku:
ReverseImaku Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2013  Student General Artist
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:iconnatalielives:
NatalieLIVES Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013
nein danke
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:iconreverseimaku:
ReverseImaku Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013  Student General Artist
ffff wish i could add you

its sugoii obama lol
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